Lately, I have been having serious talks with me, myself and I. I work incredibly hard, but still the accomplishments find me empty and undeniably not happy. It’s like I am on a treadmill, or like a mouse in one of those wheels; running 100 miles per second and going no where. I might be physically stronger, healthier and that in itself is a good thing. At my age (53) being a healthy woman is something I do not take for granted. I value my health as if it were treasure. But I am still empty on this inside. I wonder what is wrong with me because my work is finally heading in the right direction. I am passing skating tests that I never thought I would. I am a mom of 4 amazing kids and with 2 grand-kids that I love to the moon and back.
But, what if it turns out that I don’t want to be famous? Is that still okay? What if I just want to wake up and breathe in the fresh clean air and instead of pushing myself to burn out, I just dance or play a piano. What if I just want to be a wife and make my house a home; spend more time with my family; learn how to cook better; play in the rain; lay on the beach; grow my own garden; and just live a life of simplicity? Everything is so complicated in our world today. I am not asking for easy. I just want a simpler life. I don’t need anyone to know who I am. I am fine with no attention, hidden in the shadows or in the background.
Is my skating worth the crashes on the ice; the bruised bones and all the aches and pains? Do I really love it or am I just trying to prove that I can do it? I don’t know who I am anymore and perhaps the reason I am so unsettled. I don’t need attention. I need a simpler life. But ultimately, I will do what I believe God’s will is. If I don’t write, what will I do? Skating is a life long sport and I have no intentions of quitting. I just wonder at times, why I do what I do. Are the headaches starting to wear me down to the point I just don’t feel like getting up in the morning? Is it a mid-life crisis and do they really exist? Am I upset that I have to dye my hair if I don’t want too much white? Being a mother is the greatest purpose I have. But my kids are full grown and really don’t need me anymore, or at least not to the extent they did when they were growing up. Is this an “empty nest” issue?
So, I have to ask myself the same questions again. What is wrong with my thinking and what is wrong with how I am feeling? Or is nothing wrong and I am just on the verge of some major changes in my life; changes that are unexpected and grand. Or am I just not sure of what is going on or what I am supposed to do, since things are finally heading in the right direction? I look back on the last seven years and wonder where I have been. I am here now and I just want to understand day to day what the right path I am to take is, from here on out. Do I keep doing the same things? I feel I have to jump off that spinning wheel and just take the risks I want to take. I want to meet new people; hike new mountains; swim in new seas; paint uncharted scenery; dance a different beat; learn a new language; and just be free.
In conclusion, I will still continue to do what I do and at the same time, force myself to stop and smell the roses and to be more appreciative of this thing called life. I don’t have to work 10 hour days. I can work 8 hour days and have 2 hours to do something fun. I just have to have better Time Management and decide what I want to do with the extra time I will have. I can’t quit my jobs. But I can add to my daily living something exciting that will cause me to relax and be a better person.
Till Next Time,